I wanted to talk about something not a lot of people know about me, not even my closest friends. It has to do with how anxiety started for me and some of my deepest, darkest thoughts that still affect me today. Something I'm going through has brought a lot of this up for me and I'd like to share some of it.
I was in elementary school when these uncomfortable feelings started, being nauseous at the smells and sounds of the cafeteria. I never ate until middle school when I couldn't not eat anymore. Fries, at most. The worst experience that I remember was earlier on though. I was home, at about 7 or 8 years old. I accidentally overheard one of the shows in the living room. The murderer was being questioned and his response was, "The devil made me do it". Immediately, my brain latched onto this idea and wouldn't let it go. I became tormented with the concept that an outside entity could completely overtake and overpower your entire being. My earliest memory of the extent of the mental torment was being in my room, rocking back and forth and crying to my Mom that I wish I were normal. I couldn't escape the thoughts of the devil taking over me. Leaving the house didn't help, talking didn't help. People didn't know anything about anxiety at the time. I was taken to the church and given advice on how to ward off the devil. So, the battle continued. Over and over, I attempted to resist the thoughts of giving my soul to the devil and allowing him to overtake me with trying to remain good. These thoughts would give me a feeling that didn't allow me comfort or peace anywhere I went, not in the safety of my room or with my family. It was mental agony with no relief. I only ever learned to mentally block myself from it and avoid the thoughts whenever possible. I read Archie comics, I watched mindless TV, I listened to music, I wrote. I desperately hung onto these things for the closest thing to relief I had; distraction.
Finally, in my early teenage years I discovered paganism/Wicca. I became enamored with the idea that the bible wasn't real, nor was the God or the Devil. Not in the way we were taught. Finally, I had some amount of mental peace for the first time in years. And I connected with the concept of being connected to the Earth, which I'd always felt. Throughout my life I would struggle with different anxiety triggers, but this would remain my deepest, most terrifying one that continued to resurface at times. I tried to surround myself with peaceful, positive sentiments because anything beyond that had the ability to retrigger me, so I largely avoided anything horror-related, knowing my ability to spiral mentally. When I was confronted with it, I separated myself from it and compartmentalized it mentally as something fake or stupid.
After learning about anxiety and OCD, I learned a lot of what I experienced were OCD related intrusive thoughts, a symptom of anxiety. I still experience anxiety and have awful, disgusting, grotesque, intrusive thoughts which I am admittedly still frightened of and generally try to avoid just for my own well-being. However, this new horror project I'm on doesn't allow me to hide. If I want to contribute to this experience and help create a literal nightmare, I have to allow myself to unravel this ball of yarn I've hidden from for so long. Although I've largely avoided this part of me, I'm pushing myself to take from my own mind and of the horror I've seen in this world. It hasn't been easy but I'm glad that I have an amazing team behind me to balance me out when I feel I'm careening off the edges at times. I'm not sure how I come off to others, but I wonder if this part of me is perceived at all with how much I've strived to overcome it. I go to therapy, I drink herbal tea, I try to exercise routinely, I care for the Earth, I give thanks, I recognize beauty in the little things, I try to help others where I can, and I pray nightly. And I watch cartoons. Lol. But here, in the depths and darkness, the stillness of my mind is that which still holds power of me; my own horrible nightmare. It's not fake. It's not stupid. And I'm starting to understand it now more than ever. I hope you do too.
