I Remembered

I no longer wish to only write in my journal. For my own eyes to see. Something happened today that made me realize again how it felt for me for so many years. 

Something that helped me to remember why it has been such a long struggle for me to get to where I am today, and to sometimes continue to struggle with my own self-worth and value. 

I do not blame you for my feelings, but I do hold you accountable for your treatment towards me. I had forgotten how cruel you could be to me. How heartless one would have to be to negate the feelings of their child so easily, in favor of their own. But I am no longer a child. Why did this still hurt me as if I were one? How did it bring me back to those times so quickly?  The condescension in your voice and words, the gestures of contempt towards me when I expressed myself, the coldness and silence in my presence after I disappointed you so. I suppose, if anyone treated me this way, I would still be hurt but I wouldn't allow it. I would fire back and leave upon my own volition. But as you are such a big part of me, I cannot leave so easily. 

It reminds me of those movies I watch when I wonder how realistic is this that this person would put up with being treated that way and not say something equally harsh and cruel in response to their defense? Why keep this person in their lives? Such a farce, I'd think to myself. 

In the past, I would fight. I would run. I would yell and scream and cry and hate myself for being so inadequate. I even thought I deserved it for a long time. I treated myself poorly because of it. Recently, I'd started thinking that maybe I was being dramatic. Maybe it wasn't really that bad and I'd convinced myself somehow over the years that it was worse than it actually was, merely because our interactions had vastly improved over time. After I received years of counseling, you retired and seemed less stressed, and I'd learn to accept you as you were instead of fighting to be heard or understood. I accepted the good in our relationship and was grateful for it. You also seemed to soften a bit in your later years, which I was even more grateful for.

But today I was reminded of the pain I used to feel all too often growing up. To be treated as if my words and feelings were a burden when they dared to cross your path in a way you did not approve. I was reminded why the years of counseling were a necessary part of my healing and self-improvement. You asked me, "Why do you always feel the need to talk about EVERYTHING?!", in an exasperated tone as I tried to explain how sorry I was that I felt too overwhelmed at the moment for the short trip we planned, and how I understood that we had different motivations since your husband was there waiting and I did not have that motivation. I was attempting to be heard because it was never my intention to disappoint or upset anybody, I was simply struggling with my responsibilities at my home and the stress of going on an 8-hour long drive each way for a single-day trip. 

I remembered how often I had to fight to be heard, to be understood. And why I still struggle with this very thing to this day. How defensive I can be, especially if I'm feeling I'm being dismissed by somebody. How quickly I respond in anger when I feel disrespected in the slightest. How much of that rage from being treated so insignificantly and bothersome was internalized within me and released on those who truly, likely, did not deserve it to that degree. And how I accepted similar mistreatment from others in my relationships because I either did not believe I deserved any better, or because I was acclimated to it and thought it normal. When you told your husband we would not be going, you told him, "thank you for understanding". Something so simple but so difficult for me to have gotten from you for the same exact disappointment.

I didn't scream or fight or run away. I attempted to express how I truly felt, and it was met with coldness and sarcasm. I was surprised that it still hurt just as much as it used to, except I did not react in the same way that I used to. I cried on my own, on my way back home as I decided to write this. As I decided that if you would not hear me, I would still speak; despite what others may think. Because I do deserve to be heard and felt. I refuse to continue to feel that I must silence myself for the same reasons I used to fight to be heard; because of the unfair and unjust judgment I might receive. 

Because to be treated so coldly by someone who is supposed to protect and have compassion for you on one side, and to have another not value you enough to be present at all, is a lot to bear for any one person and apparently can still affect you many years later. Or at least, is clearly the case with me. At an early age I learned to write about how I felt to help me express the pain I dealt since it would not be heard otherwise. I also learned to look for acceptance in online exchanges since I did not feel I received it elsewhere, with those whose opinions I truly valued. As I no longer seek acceptance as I used to, I also no longer seek to feign perfection to gain said acceptance. 

So, this is me. This is one of the days I've cried over feeling hurt, of many. A lot of people may scoff at pain, judge it and label it as weakness. In fact, that was your overarching perspective towards my sensitivities, but I disagree wholeheartedly. To be able to still feel in our world and in this universe and at this age somehow, is a marvel and wonder even to me. I cherish and value my heart more now than I ever have before because it somehow still works! 

I will take this absence of compassion for me and instill it into my own daughter so that she may never experience the pain, frustration, and anger of being shut out by a loved one. I would never claim perfection, but I at least know that I will do everything in my power to make her feel that she can cry in front of me and doesn't have to turn to her pen for comfort instead of to me.  <3