Something I never expected, or would have known I should expect after turning 40, is that people would start to use my age against me. And frequently. “You’re 40 years old, you “should” or “shouldn’t” be doing x, y, z…”, for example. I didn’t know that my time limit on making mistakes, or living life on my own terms had an expiration date prior to my date of death.
It’s understandable that people have set expectations on your behaviors based on your age, but this line has been used towards me for everything from having trouble with getting a key into a stuck lock, to my choice to run a business, to my trauma-responses. All within a matter of a few months. So my question is, does our free-will expire socially? Does people’s compassion for others expire after their subject of scrutiny reaches a certain age? We give leniency to people as they are living and growing and learning who they are, making mistakes, etc., primarily to those in their 20’s. Perhaps it extends beyond that into the 30’s because they are still seen as similar enough to their 20’s and still young. But by the time we are 40, we have crossed this unspoken, invisible threshold into a part of our adulthood that symbolizes wisdom and an expectation that we have certain things by this time, and act certain ways that reflect our life experiences.
Writing this, you would think I’m still living in my parent’s basement, smoking weed every day and drinking and partying on the weekends, based on the comments I received and the manner in which I’m critiquing the expectations of my age. But, I don’t do any of those things. I do live in my parent’s house, but one they own and do not live in. I live here with my daughter, who I’m the primary caretaker for and pay the bills of the house on my own. I run a family business with my brother and am formulating other personal career objectives on the side. Yet, I still have received these comments from those close to me. Which begs one to wonder, how small is the box that we are putting ourselves inside of as we age? As things get harder for us, the world wants us to shrink even further away than we physically already are deteriorating? Shouldn’t we have earned more personal freedom with age? I suppose that is the case if you fit into the box well enough that nobody questions you. But is that freedom at all, or just a very comfortable box for you?
I guess it’s not a comfortable box for me...since others are seeing me struggle within and without it. I have always been a late bloomer in life. Living it at my own speed and coming to terms with things later than most. But it feels like even this trait of mine is no longer allowed. It almost feels like a second-coming of the inadequacies I already processed and overcame that I developed as an adolescent, not measuring up to my peers and their development both personally and academically. Others being disappointed at my trajectory, not living up to my potential, and going in the wrong direction in life in general. I had the excuse of very minimal adult guidance in my life at the time, which people and myself now understand, looking back. But I didn’t know it at the time. I blamed myself and internalized all of my insecurities about myself which lead to further self-hatred and only perpetuated the cycle that initially lead me there.
Now, at my age, I don’t have the excuse of a lack of adult guidance. I’m “supposed” to know everything by now. But honestly, I didn’t even realize this comparison until I just now started writing it out. I am in therapy, I watch videos on self-help and therapy, I read about mental health, I meditate, and I'm a naturally analytical person which does not cease to extend to my own mind and behaviors - not even for a second. Yet, I still don’t have the adult guidance I missed out on in my adolescence. I have myself and I’m expected to have all the answers but the only difference between now and then is...I don’t have an excuse in the eyes of others for my perceived “failings”.
The thing is, I don’t need an excuse. Because I’m an adult, right? I don’t expect an excuse from myself because I don’t need to explain anything to anyone. Yet, they still question me. Why? Why do my choices, my mistakes, my behaviors reflect to them something that needs to be corrected? Does it reflect immaturity? And why do I not talk to others in this way? No matter their circumstances or mistakes, I haven’t told them different expectations due to their age. Because I think...I’m now realizing; that’s judgment. That’s a judgment that they are not behaving in the way that you think they ought to at a certain age. And I’m not saying others have to be like me, but that it is disconcerting to receive these criticisms when I guess I don’t perceive others in a similar fashion. It feels like an attack on my character or just me as a person, and maybe it is. Even if they don’t intend it that way. Because I’m not acting the way I’m supposed to – so there’s something “wrong” about me and/or my behavior.
I can’t force myself to be someone other than who I am, and one thing being this age has taught me is that after all these years; this is part of who I am. Someone who apparently has behaviors that others see as ill-fitting for my age. What is the point where you realize that you need to change, or are you simply still being misunderstood? Do I really need to be someone who acts the age that others think I should be? Or do I now, with age, have the ability to look inwards and take with me the lessons learned from the past and say to myself NOW – what I wish I would have known then – which is that it’s okay. I am okay. In fact, I’m doing great with what I have and can still do even greater things yet on my own terms, at my own pace, and my own way. To give myself the freedom that others won’t. When others won’t advocate for me, I advocate for myself. And not in a defensive posture, but in a confident and loving one – for I do not want to express judgment about myself that others may direct towards me. So, it’s not about not changing or having to change who I am, but having compassion and understanding for myself that I may not receive elsewhere, rather than expecting others to behave a certain way and resenting them or judging them for their lack of it. And THAT is acting my age. <3
- Angel
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